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        Tuesday, January 15, 2008

    There Is No Spoon...

    Though rumored to exist, there is no single 'Sun Source' for martial arts that exists, though some come close. No, it is more like traveling the world and finding different parts of the weapon, and assembling it frantically as the monster comes for you, and then saying 'fuck it' and grabbing your girlfriend's cat by the back legs and beating the motherfucker to death with it. And then jumping up and down on the beasts head until it mooshes. And then, go stomp the monster to death.

    Palm/heel strike: reach up to touch your at your ear and reach out and down(ish) and swivel up until the palm meets the point of their chin, nose, or...

    What, you missed? Asshole pull back? In my world, that is Banespeak for 'oh please, chop me in the throat, won't you?' so curl your fingers of your striking hand slightly, yet tightly, cocking your thumb under your first finger, and strike those knuckles downward into their exposed throat.

    Be the axe, baby. If they cough blood, rub it on your face. It will confuse the easily confused police.

    Bring the knee opposite to your striking hand hard across into the side of their hip, hard. They should stagger and/or fly (depending on both your size, strength, and precision of delivery) off to the side, exposing their back. If so, kick hard into the kidneys...if barefoot (i.e., just escaped from the basement dungeon, and just what the fuck were you doing down there?) use your heel(s).

    If he (or she) ends up on the floor facing you, remember my 'oh fuck, I'm dying' rule. Wounded animal, and all that. Plus, maybe the fucker(ess) is high, or drunk, or worse, both. I have seen assholes on PCP absolutely waste a group of cops.

    So, on the kitchen table is a Mossberg 12 gauge pump, and a couple of holstered pistols. You go to pick up the shotgun and draw a pistol, a big 1911 .45. These guns eject to the right, and because of where they were, you have them in opposite hands from what you are comfortable with. Toss the pistol up in the air a bit, slap the shotgun (using my tossing technique) vertically into your right hand, catch the pistol as it comes back centerline to your chest, tuck it under your left armpit as if it was a shoulder holster, and test to see if the shotgun is loaded by aiming it at the man on the floor and pulling the trigger. Safety off? Got nothin but click? Press the slide release and rack it, looking into the ejection port...a red, yellow, green, or black fat round jump up in there? Good, rack it closed, and blow that cocksucker on the floor apart.

    Head or gut, dealer's choice.

    Rack it again so the smoking empty flies out, look for a second round, and also feel up in the loading well with your thumb to see if another round (feel for the primer, and engraving on the rim...smooth is bad) is ready for its closeup...shit, empty? No boxes of rounds on the table? Yeah, a new box? But wait, you hear footsteps a few rooms away, coming your direction.

    Set the shotgun on the table, and pull that slightly sweaty pistol out from your armpit, and push back gently on the Mainspring bushing so the chamber opens up a little (oops, told ya this was the advanced course) and see if you see the brass of a cartridge...if you think you have enough time, drop the mag and time? Grab the second pistol on the table and repeat, rack both hammers back, and face the door. Make yourself as small as possible.

    Tip both pistols slightly towards each other, remember the left one will be ejecting hot brass, so hold it a bit lower than the right one...draw a line in your mind straight to your target, like shooting pool. You only need to tip the barrels slightly towards each other at this range. Ideally, the bullets should follow a triangle downrange and meet at the center line you have drawn with your eyes.

    The German Gestapo developed a technique where two men with machine pistols would stand outside of a door, and the one on the left would draw a diagonal line of bullets from top right of the door, to bottom left, and the other would repeat the process from top left to bottom left...then they would change magazines, and sweep back and forth at waist level, and then the entry team would...

    Well, you've got more pressing needs now, don't you...

    So, where were we, oh yes, your friend(s) down the hall are bursting in, so you look above the sights, keeping only one of the front sights in your concentration (the other hand will have been practicing, right, my darlings?) and you press each trigger rapidly, but ALTERNATING! keeping your eyes focused, but are filling the room with gunsmoke and boiled blood...footing is treacherous, the casings act like some scamp rolled marbles out onto the floor, and the greasy blood acts like, well, grease. Kneel, or squat. Or lay down in the mess, turn to one side, and fire from there.

    Believe it or not, you present less of a target laying horizontal to an attack, than perpendicular to it. Think about it. And your attackers have entered what is called 'The Fatal Funnel'. Think about that, too. Sketch it out.

    So, you've blasted your guns empty, the slides have locked back on empty magazines, and you note through the smoke that makes the room look like a kitchen fire is happening, that your humble narrator has provided a stack of loaded magazines on the table, because he loves you, and...

    Unless customized, the magazine ejection button is on the left side of each pistol. Try to not let them drop out on the linoleum floor, won't you? There may be other miscreants waiting just outside that know just what that clatter means.
    So, with the thumb of the right hand, and the trigger finger of the left hand, access the buttons, and drop out the empty mags onto the body of the shotgun blast recipient...hopefully he has stopped twitching by now, cuz that's just creepy, and...

    Keeping the guns in your hands, reach out and recover a full magazine with the thumb and last two fingers of your left hand, seat it into the magazine well of the gun in your right hand, and use right thumb on slide release letting slide snap forward, loading a round in, repeat procedure for left gun, using opposite hands and fingers, duh.

    See how easy this is?

    Now go out in the mud and the blood of several jungles, or the frozen wastelands of the Battle of the Bulge, or the hammering sandstorms and drugged up jihadis of Ramadi, and see how it works for ya...


    Sorry about the sloppy writing on this. I've tried to fix it, but it's a mess.

    Oh well...