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  • I'll Tell You Once More, Before I Get Off The Floor..

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        Thursday, January 31, 2008

    I'll Tell You Once More, Before I Get Off The Floor..

    Don't bring me down.

    I mentioned 'fighting from the floor' somewhere in the comments. Lay (lie?) down on your back, your legs toward an opponent, and tell me what you see. Imagine what they see. Ladies, your legs are generally the strongest appendages you have, and due to your piss-poor habits of observation, you are most likely to end up on your back, anyway.

    Use one leg to sweep and protect, and the other to kick. Snap your kicks into them. The counter to this type of attack is to grab the attacking foot and spin your prone opponent around(ish) and then kick them in the head. Ow. Don't allow that to happen.

    Brace your hands on the floor/ground, palms down, when you kick, if you can. Push up and into it, but don't commit. You can get in a damn good blow that way, and get your leg back for another shot. And under no circumstances should you turn over on your belly. Think about that.

    If you must shift positions, or rise for some reason, turn onto one hip, keeping your eyes on the threat, and roll up to standing. I cannot recommend that show 'Shimmy' enough. Aside from making you just a sexy hot bitch, they show moves from kneeling, and seated, to standing, that are just marvelous.

    Ahhhh, there is just so much I wish I could teach you before I go. Remember, move like smoke, strike like you are cutting through smoke. Don't overextend, run if you can, chew til you strike blood if cornered. Elbows are excellent weapons. Palm-heel strikes. Knees to large muscle groups in the lower body. Stomp down hard on feet, after raking the edge of your shoe down their shin.

    Shoot to kill, accept crippling them grudgingly. You are surrounded by weapons. It's no 'ninja thing'. Just use your imagination. As in, 'I wonder what would happen if I swung this toaster by its cord?' Can of hairspray+lighter= Flamethrower.

    No gun yet? Answer the door with your biggest kitchen knife. When you use the knife in the kitchen, try cutting things one-handed with it, in other words, not steadying the item to be cut with the opposite hand. Use the point of the blade to flip over pieces of vegetable, and meat. Poke them. You are training your hand. Try using your 'off hand'. You never know...

    I write this shit because I am tired of reading every damn day about some dumbass getting killed in their own home by a family member or intruder. Crikey, didn't that dumb bitch who got stabbed to death have any access to couch cushions? I would beat your ass to death with a Tonka truck. If I didn't have an opportunity to shoot you so full of holes you'd whistle in the wind, first.

    I've beaten men so that they only survived death by accident, because I learned very early on, that just because they are bleeding, and begging for mercy, it doesn't mean they won't come back and jap you as soon as your back is turned. Fuckers. No mercy for them any more.

    So, go out and have a nice day. And buy a damn weapon.