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        Tuesday, January 02, 2007

    New Year's Revolutions...

    I vow to avoid any purveyor of ingestibles that uses the word (phrase?) 'trans fat' in any of their advertising, unless they are threatening to increase it, in which case, they are my New Favorite Purveyor.

    I think I am going to change my voter registration from 'Rethuglican', to 'Communist', just to freak out the local Rethuglican weenies, who, as far as I can tell, do nobody no damn good, much like Amway salespersons.

    With the Kitchenaid, I am going to research and find a way to manufacture the perfect hot dog wiener. Dammit. Hebrew National comes close, but I know I can do better, using the theatre hotdog from my youth as my guide. I think some serious MSG action is in order.

    Ditto the barbecue beef sandwich. The most perfectest BBQ beef sandwich I ever ate came from the food stand from a drive-in movie theatre I used to practically live at. Perfect sweet red sauce, full of dehydrated onions, shaved roast beast, a huge soft white bun you could pinch off to keep most of the goo in the sandwich...pure heaven.

    ...and the perfect Orange Julius. I know, I know, I've threatened this before, but I have the original recipe and a Cuisinart blender now, and it will be awesome with my new hotdog, and the teenagers enslaved at the Orange Julius's of today make shit that tastes like frozen polar bear shit. And I ask you, is there any other kind?

    I vow to try to gain a little more weight back. I did good getting rid of it, but apparently I was confused about the whole meaning of 'lifestyle change'. It means, you change. When your son-in-law comes to visit, fresh from Ranger School, and says 'fuck, you're skinny', well...
    Time to lard up, a little. Maybe.

    I vow to drink no more than I do, and maybe less. Less would be good, but keep those cards and letters (full of money) coming, folks. Bane does not want to end up padlocked in the shed having hallucinations and withdrawals and looking to go bite a wino to get some alcohol. Ahem...

    I vow to watch (far) less television 'news' than I do, and to try to find more actual news blogs where the purveyors are doing their best to get the truth out. Links always welcome.

    I vow to continue hating, and hating on Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, Faggots, and other lower life forms as much as possible. And when any of those aforementioned goes and takes a shit, it ploops down into the septic tank, where Democrats and Liberals stand there with their mouths open, the little recyclers.

    We shall not speak of 'Libertarians', or as I like to think of them, 'Conservatives who are afraid of commitment'. Let them live in their folly. Hopefully, they'll come around.

    Here's your assignment for the new year:

    Go, find your local Unitarian Universalist 'pastor', and steal their identity. I hear it's easy. All the cool kids are doing it.
    Then, go rent a big fucking truck, and seek out a Code Pink demonstration, or some such. Put that bitch in granny, and have some fun. Jump the curb, and make your mud flaps 'blood flaps'.

    Now that makes Bane happy, right there...