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  • Keep Your Laws Off My Refrigerator!

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        Wednesday, January 03, 2007

    Keep Your Laws Off My Refrigerator!

    I don't eat margarine, in fact, I think it is pure poison, but don't you fucking dare try to tell me I can't have it my refrigerator.


    I can buy cyanide any time I want, but your nanny-asses are gonna control my donut and french-fry buying habits? I will NEVER forgive you for what you did to McDonald's french fries.
    You kids today have NO idea what it was like to pull though the drive-thru and just order a batch of their fries, and nothing else, and go down the road, munching them, and hearing angels sing.

    Shit, I can't remember the last time I ordered their fries on purpose, except for the kids, who don't know any better. The fries get cold, now, and you throw them away. Unsalvageable. There was a time when you would keep them in the fridge, and eat them cold. Imagine that. Better warmed, sure, but I lived off of Big Macs and fries from my fridge for a long time, in my yoot.

    Top shelf? Yellow styrofoam boxes of Big Macs, a dozen or so. Big sack of fries. Everybody said I was too thin, and this diet never made me gain weight.

    Second shelf? The rest of the refrigerator, other shelves removed, stacked with cases of Olympia Beer. Hey, fuck you, Clint Eastwood drank it, and it tasted better back then. All domestic beer has gone to shit, along with everything else, and most 'micro-brews' taste like gramma's douche. So there.

    And I'm looking straight at you, Henry Weinerhard. If you were the only beer around, I would be a toad-licking tee-totaler.

    I guess what I'm saying is, the next time you hear a politician threatening your food, do us all a favor and go shoot them. Too much time on their hands. I mean, I'm all fine with the FDA and all, do the research, put the information out, fuck, I don't care if you put a big-ass skull and crossbones on the door to the donut shop to warn me.

    But fuck you, we eat what we want.

    That would have been a great post-ending line, but fuck, this all sticks in my craw. Please, chew peanuts, and exhale a lot. You ever see anyone die? Seize up? Good! Fukkem! Outta the gene pool, weakling!
    I knew exactly two kids in my entire life who had actual food allergies, and they just didn't eat the shit, whatever it was. We all ate it around them, they didn't, and nobody died.

    If you are allergic to peanuts, I WANT you to die. Peanuts, like beer, are one of God's Perfect Foods, and are the only claim to fame that black people have to inventing anything (besides genocide and Islam). Get your ass back in the bubble and shut the fuck up, the rest of us are trying to eat, here.

    I gotta admit, I appreciate cripple ramps, because stairs are hard on my hips, and I appreciate as well that a pretty girl in a wheelchair can make it all the way up to the 20th floor, and her chair puts her mouth at just the right height for my personal pleasure. So, not all innovations are bad. Goodness knows I am no Luddite.


    Keep your mealy-mouthed, no flag-burning worthless-ass amendment proposing to impress the rubes fucking know-nothing junk-science el-retardo dumb fuck politico shitfuck useless don't need your opinion and your stupid laws even less and hey, cocksucker, fix those potholes while you're at it, impotent, terrorist fellating, bad suit wearing comb-over homo ass away from my menu.