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  • This is my Blog...There are many like it, but this one is mine...

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        Friday, December 22, 2006

    So, I Shit The Bed Last Night...

    For the first time in living memory. Thought it was a fart. Boy, was I surprised. I Kegeled off the stream and managed to only squinch a squirt through my underwear, through my 'house shorts', and a shmear onto the sheets, and I may have said a curse word or two.

    I say this as a cautionary tale. A 'product warning', if you will, as I am about to post the wife's Persimmon Cookie recipe, so, abandon all hopes of continence, ye who enter here...

    She did this most reluctantly, handing over her recipe to me. Rather like Frodo relinquishing the Ring. I mean it. She was like a dragon, on her pile of gold, eyeing me with some suspicion, as if I were a brigand, come to steal her gold. Oh, and she shit her pants yesterday, too. Ha! She made it to the bathroom, and shinned her panties off and snuck them into the wash. She wasn't gonna tell me until I was bitching about my ordeal this morning.

    So, without further ado, and hopefully, doo-doo, I present you:


    Bane's Wife's Percimin Cookies

    [Hey, I just said she was smart, not that she was literate. I blame the public schools. And what else can you expect from a woman who shits her pants.]

    Preheat oven to 350
    (this recipe doubles easily)
    1 cup ripe percimins (pealed)
    1 teaspoon baking soda

    Food process and let set (sit?)
    Note: The pectin and soda will gel into a solid very quickly
    [For clarification: Persimmons are extremely high in natural pectin. No, you do not add it]

    Cream: 1/2 cup softened butter
    1 egg
    1 cup sugar
    2 teaspoons real vanilla extract

    Add: 2 cups all purpose flour
    1.5 teaspoon cinnamon
    1.5 teaspoon fresh grated nutmeg
    1.5 teaspoon ground cloves
    1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

    Then add 1.5 cups finely chopped walnuts, and .5 to 3/4 cup yellow raisins.

    Bake: 12-15 minutes until slightly browned on the edges, on ungreased cookie sheet, remove to cooling racks.

    Other options: grated orange or lemon zest (I say, why not both!) and a rum butter or citrus glaze is optional (again, I say why not both! that's what we're trying next).

    Purchase: large (6 roll) pack of Charmin 2-ply toilet paper. You'll need it.

    Coincidentally, I just finished wiping Nattie's ass, as she had shat a turd so huge it lifted majestically out of the water and up the bowl, like a beached whale.

    Merry Christmas!


    Update:

    Okay, The Saint is pissed. Thank goodness I extracted a promise from her to not whap me in the head (Saints do that? Why yes, they do) for what I wrote, above. She expected me to fix her spelling, but I thought it was cute, and she: MOST ASSUREDLY does not think it was cute, so, hello, doghouse.

    Woof.