...to everybody that I have ever offended...
Hey, wait, no I wouldn't. Fuck each and every one of you.
Having said that, there are a few people I have doubtless pissed off that I would rather have not. Like Bruce Bethke, who is a Catholic and, well, we all know how I am about that.
Oh well. Sigh.
I am trying to think if there are any nouns that I haven't attacked, insulted, pissed off, or pissed upon. I'm drawing a blank here.
My readers have come and gone. I have posted on this before, and maybe when you start repeating yourself, you should just quit. Or not. Some things bear repeating. I have spoken about the newbie who finds me, loves me, tells me so here and on their blog and in email, and then reads the heck out of my archives for awhile, praising me here and there, and then...silence. He or she runs across something that they just cannot abide, and they disappear. Drop away.
I love it when they come sputtering back to tell me how awful I am, but that rarely happens, because by the time they have worked themselves into that state, they have also come to the realization that this only encourages me and cheers me up, and they don't want to give me the satisfaction.
I pretty much don't flirt any more. Some broads were getting too damn serious, and I was just (mostly) playing, and Hell hath no fury etcetera, etcetera. You puny humans and your emotions. Geez. Just add hormones, and stir. Instant Loon.
No, I'm comfortable up here on the porch in my rocker, the shotgun loaded with rock salt, surveying my orchard, watching over my lawn. Spinning my yarns, reminiscing. Bitching and pissing and moaning about how the old days were better and everything today sucks, to anybody who cares to drop by and sit a spell and listen.
Don't like it? Hey, I think I hear your momma callin, better run along. And best not touch none of them apples on your way out, or I will salt your ass but good, now, git!
If'n yuh come back, bring me some damn wine. Now don't make me tell you twicet...