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  • In Praise Of The Sandwich...

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        Thursday, April 13, 2006

    In Praise Of The Sandwich...

    Steve H. has been pontificating and such over on his (not really a blog, honest!) blog about The Noble Sandwich.
    Now, Steve is the Jedi Master of all things food, and I am a mere plebe, but I know what I like. And what I don't like.

    That's right, folks, Bane has a foible. Oh, I have several other weird, unique, and perhaps bizarre foibles, but that is grist for another post, methinks...


    Bane hates to get his hands messy. The thought of sauce dripping down Bane's fingers drives Bane nuts. Bane eats fried chicken with a knife and a fork.

    There, I've said it. My wife remarked, when we first met, that I was the neatest eater she'd ever seen. She would watch me eat with such fascinating admiration, that it made me uncomfortable. I guess you could, if you threw caution (and your teeth) to the wind, call me 'delicate'. Oh, I can throw caution to the winds when I eat ribs and know what they say about when rape is inevitable, just lay back and enjoy it, but I am at the nearest water source for a furious cleansing as soon as I am done, and I am still the neatest rib eater you have ever seen.

    So this...foible, keeps me from enjoying those sandwiches which drip juice down your hands (and chin...shudder) unless I can have it on a plate/platter and have at it with knife and fork. Those dastardly plastic baskets, lined with faux waxed paper? I'll order something else then, thank you. Or leave.
    Oh, I can eat with my fingers just fine, fries and such, but I only use the tips of two or three, and wipe them clean regularly.

    [NOTE: this 'foible' does not extend to how Bane eats pussy. I am like a five year old doing a cannon-ball into the pool, with pussy. Drip away, splatter it around, I don't care. Doesn't bother me a bit.]

    My taste in sandwiches runs to comfort food, peanut butter and jelly (or honey) ranking right there at the top, with bologna...oh, fuck it, baloney ranking there a close second. A simple fried egg sandwich on white bread with Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard comes in a very close third. Tuna is fourth, and a nice, non-drippy hamburger comes in at fifth.

    I like 'punk' bread. The Home Pride Butter Top white and brown come in at the top of my list. The mayo must be Best Foods (Hellman's), and the yellow mustard must be French's. I have tried all of the others, and nothing comes close.
    I love Kraft products, especially their horseradish spread. I go both ways with relish, though I usually tend to prefer the sweet over the dill.

    If I want a fancy restaurant sandwich, I'll go to a restaurant. We have a place here in town that I'm told serves a genuine Philly Cheese-steak sandwich, but it looks too much like something the dog horked up on the kitchen floor after grubbing through the garbage, for my tastes. I do so enjoy a good meatball sub, though my animus towards Jarrod, and all things Subway has been noted on these pages before.

    It is hard to find an authentic Reuben, but when I do, I enjoy one. I love a good roast beef on rye with lots of lettuce and brown mustard. I am weak in the knees for almost any kind of hot dog. As a matter of fact, go back to my list, and put hot dogs above hamburgers. I am having Hebrew Nationals (along with homemade mac and cheese) for my birthday meal.

    I will not eat any weird deli meats, such as tongue, or brains. They are of the devil, and you who eat it should be tortured in the fiery pits. Head cheese? Whose fucking monstrous idea was that? Yeesh! Limburger? Why don't you just meander on over to the cat box and fish out a nice Almond Roca there, shit-breath? Limburger was made as a joke, and apparently, enough people don't get it, so they eat it.
    Go sit in the pits with the tongue-eaters.

    Oddly, I love my wife's homemade bread, but I rarely if ever make a sandwich out of it. If I do, it's usually a PBJ.

    The biscuit and muffin and bagel sandwiches deserve honorable mention. When we are flush, the wife and I spoil ourselves with cream cheese and salmon on a toasted, buttered bagel. Sometimes a hair-thin slice of a sweet onion between the cream cheese and the fish. Heaven. And don't shirk on the cream cheese. Quit buying that 'light' shit, you nasty fat bastard. Get the good stuff. Lose weight so you can enjoy it.
    Oh, and Kraft makes a killer salmon cream cheese that is to die for. That strawberry shit tastes like elf cum, though. Not recommended.

    So, any of you sandwich eaters? I probably eat them (sandwiches, not elves) more than I eat anything else.

    Dammit, I almost forgot grilled cheese. Put that up there above fried egg.


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